Starting my Neurodivergent Blog, It’s Intimidating and Exciting…

I’ll be completely honest with you, talking about myself and my neurodivergent life has never came naturally for me. But that’s exactly what I’m going to be doing in this blog. Contradictory? Yeah, very much so. But, I’ve come to realize that it’s actually important to come forward and freely talk about my own self and neurodivergent life experiences. Even when my brain sees it as a threat and would rather I crawl under a blanket and hide away (if I’m not fawning as a trauma response, I’m definitely fleeing). ESPECIALLY when it comes to neurodiversity and different nuerotypes.

Acceptance and understanding in our society as a whole, is so incredibly important. We need more conversations and discussions around actual, real lived experience of neurodivergence. There’s a lot of misinformation out there that needs to be challenged and misbelieved. We can change those narratives.

That’s why I’ve started this blog; to shed light on neurodivergent experiences, but to also continue learning and heal. Starting has not been easy. Getting myself to write (and finish) my first post has not exactly been easy. But, I’m doing it and I’m going to keep doing it. Because it is incredibly important. Honestly starting things, for me, is never easy. Finishing things too. Thanks to my ADHD, most things that I get the motivation to start, end up being discarded right before reaching the finish line. My interest based nervous syndrome is the driving force behind this, likely.

Interest Based Nervous System

With an interest based nervous system, I’m primarily motivated by engagement, novelty, and enjoyment. This system is vastly different from an importance based system, which is instead motivated by responsibilities and external pressures. So, with a nervous system that controls my motivation and attention more so towards things that are new, engaging, and enjoyable, it can sometimes be difficult for me to keep up the motivation to actually finish projects.

I’ve realized that novelty (newness) is definitely one of the big motivators for me. Novelty has definitely worn off by the final steps of finishing something. It definitely makes following through with most things more difficult. But, I’ve realized that if I can up my levels of enjoyment and engagement in anyway, then it is normally somewhat less of a burden to finish whatever it is that I need to finish.

Last month, I actually completely filled out (wrote on every single page) one of my journals, for the first time! And that was the very first time, ever, in my entire life. Which was definitely an accomplishment! The only unfortunate aspect was that when I did finish it, there was no instant gratification or a sense of accomplishment. None at all. Which, I feel that aspect can definitely contribute to the difficulty of it all.

Celebrating Neurodivergent Accomplishments

At some point, I’ll most likely have an entire post that further deep dives into the interest based nervous system. I will move on, for now, but there’s for sure more to say about interest based nervous systems. If you are curious and want to read more right now, I will link a post that vastly covers the topic, from a neurodivergent blog which I highly recommend. Neurodivergent Insights is informative, educational, and a trusted source, with in depth and valuable information. Feel free to read their post on interest based nervous systems, just click “neurodivergent Insights” above.

I’ve honestly realized, finishing this post and publishing it is a great accomplishment. Sometimes, even just the smallest of things that you can achieve are incredibly worthwhile. You should allow yourself to be proud of these accomplishments. You should allow yourself to celebrate! And, if anyone acts like it’s not important, or they judge you based off your excitement, then it’s their issue. Never dull your excitement, for their own comfort. You can believe yourself and trust what is right for you.

Intro To Imposter Syndrome

That can be a hard thing for me to do sometimes; believe and trust. Something that I have struggled with most of my life, is believing that I’m a good person. Imposter syndrome is difficult to live with. Most of the time, there is a little thought in the back of my head that tells me that I’m a fraud. Somehow, without realizing how I’m doing it, I’m tricking everyone around me. I feel like I’m actually, deep down, a terrible person, that I’m incredibly unintelligent, and that I’m selfish and just good at faking. Logically, none of it ever makes sense. But, it’s always there, in the very back of my mind.

It was something formed from my childhood, I believe. Most likely, a lot of neurodivergent individuals form this, as a way to cope with living in a world that constantly denies/ dismisses our lived experiences. We grow up being told that our sensory sensitivities, our executive functioning difficulties, all of our struggles, aren’t real. We’re told that we are overdramatic, impulsive, confused, and just wrong about our own perception. So, as a result, we stop trusting ourselves completely, grow resentment towards our own self, and turn to people pleasing.

Imposter Syndrome, Neurodivergent Masking and People Pleasing

We learn to mask; we hide our actual personality to appear more calm and “normal.” A lot of us make sure that everyone else is content and taken care of. We numb and forget about ourselves. And when you start to challenge that narrative a little more and you stop people pleasing, that’s when the imposter syndrome really starts to set in.

It’s really hard to live with, but something that I know will get better as I heal my internal relationship with myself. But, it can be absolutely terrible to live with and can definitely be hard to explain to others that don’t necessarily understand the complexities of it all. Understanding your neurodivergence and the trauma you went through, is so important when fully understanding and working through your imposter syndrome.

When my imposter syndrome is triggered more, I have found that listening to music, talking with loved ones, and really doing anything that makes me feel connection and increases my dopamine levels, all helps at least some. But, honestly, if your imposter syndrome makes you constantly question if you’re a terrible person….you very likely aren’t. Because, actually terrible people normally don’t even have that question in their minds.

That’s what a previous therapist told me at some point, which I believe is an excellent reminder that whatever your imposter syndrome may be telling you, is not complete truth. You are very likely an amazing person, even if it’s hard to believe that’s an actual possibility. It can be really hard sometimes, but as long as you’re trying and you care, you are actually doing pretty amazing.

So, this is where I will likely end with my first post! (Leaving and goodbyes are always confusing and awkward for me, but I honestly just do my best). Goodbye, and if you have any thoughts, opinions, or questions, please comment. And let me know of ways you manage/navigate imposter syndrome, or any insights that you may have! My Contact Form

Love, Kaitlin